A letter from a fan

Dear Bee Gees,

Firstly, I must tell you that I am a long-term fan of your work. I have listened to your songs since I was young. At first I mostly liked the earlier stuff that I confess, I had confused for the Beatles (sorry for mentioning the B word) but am appreciating the later stuff these days, you know, like the bits you sing in falsetto.

This is not the only reason I am writing to you today. Unfortunately, I have some news for you, something that perhaps you overlooked, or maybe the meaning of the word has changed in today’s society. That word is Manganese. You’ve probably stopped at this point, and are thinking, “I don’t understand what’s the deal with Manganese,” but that’s okay. I come to you today not just with a problem, but with a solution also. I like to think ahead.

So, while your original lyrics are good, they’re a bit vague, and really don’t highlight the issues that a diet lacking in Manganese could cause. Where you have: “Manganese! When the feeling’s gone and you can’t go on, it’s Manganese! When the morning cries and you don’t know why, it’s hard to bear, with no-one to love you you’re going nowhere.” I think it’s a good start, but can be improved. I have provided you with a new chorus that I think explains the problems associated with Manganese deficiency a little clearer. My proposed new chorus:

MANGANESE!
If you’ve malformed bones and some hearing loss
It’s MANGANESE!
When your brain seizures and your blood don’t clot
It’s hard to stand
Without falling over and hitting your head

MANGANESE!
When your hair grows slow or its colour changed
It’s MANGANESE!
If you’re infertile or your BP’s high
It’s true I swear
Take MANGANESE now or your growth will impair

I hope you like it; I spent all night on it. Now, I think enough time has passed that you could release some kind of 10-, 20- or whatever-year anniversary special edition of this song to dominate the charts, so you’re happy, I’m happy, and people will be happy that they’re better informed about Manganese. However, I am prepared to recognise my proposed lyrics may not be quite to your taste, so I have also made some samples of other possible lyric changes:

MANKY KNEES!
When you’re just too fat and you wear short shorts
You’ve MANKY KNEES!

Also, perhaps you could try:

STINKY CHEESE!
When you go to France and you get Roquefort
It’s STINKY CHEESE!

Please do not hesitate to let me know if you would like to collaborate further on this song. I think we can turn this great piece of music into a greater piece of music.

In return, I only ask for umm, 25–30% of the profits? I’m not greedy.

Yours sincerely,

M.

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