Naked food

Crumbed chicken wrapped around bacon and fetta, with a tomato and chilli relish At the end of a tiresome, somewhat crappy (unfortunately the norm) day, I was faced with an interesting question. There was chicken out, defrosting in the lovely 35.9 degree heat of today. I gazed at it, like a wild animal curiously eyes a target, hoping it is prey but unsure of whether that prey is in the least bit edible.

I peered into the answer-yielding machine known as a fridge; nothing. Nothing came to me. I nearly gave up, almost deciding to buy some takeaway, and forget what would probably be known forevermore as “the chicken debacle.”

Then a thought occurred to me: why don’t I do it naked? Sure, I’ve seen some of the consequences—oil burns, bitten-off penises and the like—but I was willing to give it a shot. After all, Jamie did it. It must work.

A half hour later, I had the juicy… fists of meat in the oven. Armed with only ingredients I found in the kitchen, I wrapped the chicken around halved rashers of middle bacon, which in turn had been wrapped around a stick of fetta. Flour, egg, breadcrumbs. Then in the oven for you. Dolloped on top is a tomato relish with balsamic vinegar, lots of chilli and oregano.

No penises were bitten in the making of this meal. I leave you now with a penis joke.

Teatime love bite: A woman almost bit off her husband's willy as he cooked pancakes for tea - while she gave him oral sex. In the heat of passion he lost his grip on the pan and spilt boiling oil down her naked back. She clenched her teeth on his willy and in agony he bashed her on the head with the pan. Both only admitted how they received their injuries after 'intense questioning' by hospital docs in Carioca, Romania. The man needed treatment to his willy while the wife had burns, two black eyes and a broken cheek bone.

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